I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
