Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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