He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize