im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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