It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
