so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
