My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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