you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
