i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
