Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
