I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
