Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
