Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I have grass duct taped all over my body
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
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