do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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