I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
