They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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