its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Drunk walkin through police station. America
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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