I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
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