3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize