Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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