am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
