I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
