I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
