I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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