you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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