I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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