she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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