My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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