Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
