so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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