I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
