in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Randomize
