just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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