I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
