At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
