i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Randomize
