hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
