Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
