TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
