he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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