You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just gift wrapped bread.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
