During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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