kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
