Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize