Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
