Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
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