You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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