This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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