I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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