So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Randomize
