I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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