Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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