No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Randomize
