Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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