I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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