ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
