you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
