He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize