so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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