K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
