You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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