you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
