Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
