u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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