I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
